The train now leaving platform 2, will be stopping at …….. Tower Hill, Monument , The Embankment and all stations to …..

 

    I live quite close to London, less than 20 miles, from the centre in fact, and apart from 3 years in Oz in the 70s, I spent aembank lot of my working life, travelling to and from the Capital, to various jobs, and have always enjoyed going there, walking the streets, (in a non solicitous way, you understand!) being in the hustle and bustle of a big City

A walk along the Embankment, on a sunny day is great, walking across the bridge to the Tate Modern, going to Soho, the West End for shows, and restaurants, Piccadilly Circus, Trafalgar Square, a glass of wine, in Covent Garden, watching the world go by [1] or getting totally sh*tfaced, with friends at St Catherine’s Dock, after work on Fridays. The Bloody Tower and Tower Bridge [2]

I was lucky enough to see The Sun at the Tate Modern – Truly AWESOME!

the sun at the Tate Modern 

The Natural History Museum, The Whispering Gallery in St Paul’s Cathedral, The London Aquarium, or the London Eye, art shows at Battersea Park. Party in the Park, Westminster Abbey, Big Ben……

London may no longer swing but it certainly ROCKS!

All have been in walking distance of places I’ve worked, or at least a short hop on the London Underground,  which can be an adventure in itself!

Those of you who’ve been on an Underground train or Metro will understand – quite different to an overground train!

The atmosphere down there, is warm and moist, the smell of the ozone, as the electricity jumps from rail to wheel, the squeal of the brakes and the rush of hot air as a train pulls into a station. The multitudes rushing to get to work, crushing crowds, raincoated and umbrella’d! [3]  There’s an anticipation, that hangs in the air, an expectation of the day to come or the evening at home, or the weekend with friends.

Rush hour brings it’s own joys, standing with your nose in some ones armpit. [4] Reading a newspaper upside down [5] squashed in, suddenly finding yourself standing on the platform, [6]at the wrong station, as the tide, pours out the doors.

   The London Underground ….. the arteries that keeps London alive, and the trains, the plasma and the people the  red blood cells.

And all if that is so, then the drivers must be the funny bone! I found this when I googled the Station nearest to where I wanted to go!

Below, are some real announcements, made on the Underground …….. it seems humour, wit, irony or plain and desperate sarcasm, is alive and well and living on The Tube

 

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’."

The Tube      5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street… As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that". 

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home…."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause…) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

End notes!

[1] Watching it go by, with a glass of wine certainly lets it slip by easier!

[2] Thought to have been what the American’s, thought they were buying, when they bought London Bridge (DOH!)

[3] But no longer Bowler Hatted

[4] Hopefully deodorised but not always!

[5] If you travel a lot by train, this is a skill you’ll quickly learn!

[6] Watching your friends laughing at you as the train pulls out the station!

Sunfrog

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to The train now leaving platform 2, will be stopping at …….. Tower Hill, Monument , The Embankment and all stations to …..

  1. Phoenix says:

    That picture of the sunset is great. My mum and dad were from Essex originally. Maybe one day I\’ll do a pilgrimage to the "old country".

  2. Phoenix says:

    Ohhh that Sun is a piece of installation art?? That\’s bloody amazing! How bright is it??

  3. Mandy says:

    It was on one wall of the Tate, Pheonix, which was a power station – well you can see how big it is! the walkway, is about 20 feet up. On the ceiling was, wavey mirrors, it wasn\’t as bright as it looks in the pic, still quite bright though but it was gobsmacking!

  4. Mandy says:

    An Essex Girl? welcome!!

  5. Jen says:

    No way! Do they really give announcements like that? I want to go on that train;-)

  6. Mandy says:

    Me too Jen ….. although I\’m not sure they are supposed too!

  7. Mandy says:

    @Pheonix http://www.tate.org.uk/modern/exhibitions/eliasson/default.htm if you want to find out more, about the Sun, I added another pic, to show you how bloody enormous it was! the people lying on the floor are looking up at the wavy mirror reflection!

  8. Technogran says:

    Hurrah Mandxx, I see that your inspiration has returned! Welcome back to the WL writers guild! Love this post, very funny and as always illustrates our brilliant british sense of humour.

  9. Mandy says:

    Thanks TG, it does, doesn\’t it …… I\’d have loved to have been on one of those trains!Glad to be back!

  10. Cynical says:

    I am relatively certain that the people on the floor were just following the instructions they were given. Alternatively, it may have been a Friday.Peace, Doc

  11. Mandy says:

    You could be right Doc, it was probably a Friday evening, in fact, if you look close you\’ll see the squashed frog, flat out on the floor! We Brits aren\’t to good a t following instructions, as the above may tell you!

  12. Happy says:

    The photograph of people at SUN exhibit is just surreal/kewl. The announcements are hilarious; great to hear such humour in urban setting. Thanks for post, graphics and End notes. I have particular affection for endnotes. Reading this post made me wish I could just stroll about London one more time, with/without umbrella. So much to ingest and enjoy. Thanks for memory prompts of my own lovely walks through your gorgeous city. Take care.

  13. Mandy says:

    I just remembered, baring in mind that we were in the Tate MODERN, the next exhibition/piece of art we saw was various animal poop, arranged around some farm implements……….. not quite as awe inspiring!! The Sun was an unbelievable display, there was no heat involved yet you basked in it\’s glow!It\’s been several/loads/more than I care to remember years, since I walked London……… it WAS nice to remember. Pleased you liked it Happy, thank you for the idea of endnotes, I used to do something similar, but these are a far more affective way, of adding humour/info/links!

  14. Colin says:

    I remember the first time I went for a walkabout in London, where before I\’d only ever ridden in the Tube like one of those sardines that one of those announcer chappie\’s on about, and was totally gobsmacked by how close the stations actually are to each other. It was like \’ohhhhhh, I see, down that road and turn left\’ instead of \’just hop on the Tube… and stick your face in someone\’s armpit for ten minutes.\’Not sure what it was I was trying to say, now. Here\’s hoping that made some kind of sense to you 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s